The holidays are supposed to be magical, right? Twinkling lights, heartwarming family moments, and hot chocolate by the fire. But most families don’t exactly follow the textbook on how to holiday. Instead, they act like a bunch of humans. Somebody ends up yelling, somebody else ends up crying, and meanwhile, the turkey keeps getting dryer and dryer.

Let’s be honest: family gatherings can be amazing, but they can also push you to your absolute limits—and sometimes even back to the version of yourself who stomps off and slams the door. Over the years, I’ve learned a few things (okay, mostly the hard way) about how to keep my sanity intact, avoid old patterns, and make it through the holidays. Here’s my playbook for surviving—and maybe even enjoying—your family this holiday season, with a little help from DBT TIPS skills to keep you grounded.

1. Keep Your Expectations Low (and Then Lower Them Some More)

Every year, I catch myself fantasizing that this will be the year everyone sips hot chocolate by the fire while belly laughing. Spoiler alert: it never is. Uncle Bob will still bring up politics, Aunt Carol will still host her annual pity party, and someone will definitely ask, “So, when are you going to [insert unsolicited life advice]?”

The secret? Let it go. Set your expectations somewhere between “meh” and “survive.” When you stop expecting perfection, you free yourself to enjoy what’s good and laugh at the inevitable chaos.

2. Don’t Take the Bait

We all have that one family member who knows exactly how to press our buttons. Maybe it’s Aunt Carol’s, “Well, not everyone can be as successful as you,” or Cousin Greg’s commentary on your dating life.

Here’s the deal: you don’t have to RSVP to every argument or pity party. When someone tosses bait your way, channel your TIPS skill:

• Temperature: Excuse yourself and splash some cold water on your face.

• Intense Exercise: Take a brisk walk outside (or to the kitchen).

• Paced Breathing: Inhale for 4 counts, exhale for 6.

• Paired Muscle Relaxation: Squeeze and release your fists a few times.

These quick, simple actions can help you calm down and stay centered.

3. Set Boundaries Without the Guilt

Boundaries are a game-changer, especially during the holidays. I used to feel like I had to do everything—say yes to every invite, answer every nosy question, and play peacemaker when things got heated. Now? I know better.

It’s okay to say, “I’m keeping things private this year,” or “I need some downtime after dinner.” Boundaries aren’t about shutting people out—they’re about making sure you can show up as your best self.

4. Plan Your Escape Route

Sometimes, the best way to protect your peace is to step away. When things get too intense, I make a beeline for the bathroom, take a walk outside, or “suddenly remember” I have a call to make.

And if you’re stuck in the moment, use TIPS to stay grounded:

• Focus on a neutral object, like the ornaments on the tree.

• Take slow, deep breaths while mentally counting backward from 100.

5. Laugh It Off

Humor doesn’t just diffuse tension—it also helps you remember not to take everything so seriously. Bonus: you’ll have a great story for your friends later.

6. Protect Your Peace at All Costs

The holidays are yours. If staying sane means leaving early, skipping an event, or hiding out with a good book, do it. Your peace of mind is more valuable than one extra hour of small talk.

And remember: practicing TIPS can help keep you balanced in the most stressful moments. Whether it’s cooling down with a splash of water, calming your body with paced breathing, or burning off tension with a quick workout, you’ve got tools to protect your peace.

7. Don’t Let Old Patterns Drag You Back

Family has a special way of pulling you into regression traps. Maybe you slip into people-pleasing mode, or you hear yourself snapping back with a tone you haven’t used since high school.

Here’s the thing: you’re not that person anymore. Before the gathering, remind yourself who you are now—a calm, confident adult who doesn’t need to prove anything.

If someone treats you like the “old you,” respond with your current self: calm, firm, and unbothered. Something like, “I don’t see it that way, but thanks for sharing,” can work wonders.

You’ve Got This

Look, no family is perfect. But with a little patience, some solid boundaries, and the TIPS skills in your back pocket, you can survive the holiday madness—and maybe even enjoy it.

Here’s to a season full of joy, laughter, and exactly zero guilt about putting yourself first. You’ve earned it.

Happy holidays—and good luck out there!